Monday, November 29, 2010

Worthless

I am worthless
I know.
I am lethargic
to change.
The heart wants
to make a difference
each day.
The mind quivers
and pains.

Around me
The Efficient live.
I admire
and unfazzled
I remain.
With doors
many open
I shut my
eyes tight.........!

Ps. Worthless me....Forgive me Lord for I am wasting the gifts....forgive me!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

The TV, Movies & Me

Of late I have been catching up with a few shows and old/new movies...on TV and at the mall

I hate Luv Storys : No I don't :)...I actually love mushy movies with a tint of comedy. This one was ok. Imran is cute. As an actor ?...well this movie didn't require much on that front. Sonam Kapoor has got a very open smile...don't know if its fake but it good :D. The story is about a girl who is 'Girly' and a boy who is 'Boyish' and how they ...ahem! fall in love..what else did u expect?
Rating: 2/5

Wake up Sid : Same as above...Discovered that Ranbir can actual act! This story had something more than just a love story. A few tit bits about how easy the present generation (who have their fathers/mothers purse) looks at life, lack of discipline, lack of interest/confidence towards finding your true calling, friends, parents. I liked it. Konkana as the independent and patient friend turned lover is a terrific actor.
Rating: 3/5

Om Shanti Om: Am not gonna talk about king khan.:)...This is a movie I have watched tiny bits here and there. So when I had the time to watch the movie as a whole...I did just that :). Don't ahve anything to say. Its a total hindi movie that's all. I like the title song with all the stars. Catchy music and very colourful.
Rating: 2/5

Watched a few episodes of Emotional Athyachar , Big Switch, Koffee with Karan,Australian Master Chef and Modern Family : Don't look at me like that :)....
The first 2 were pathetic but one does get carried away you know. I might just watch it again if I have absolutely nothing else to do.
KK was entertaining. And since I got to watch the show with Ranbir and Imran immediately after watching their movies, I liked the show even better.
AMC is good but I like to watch a cookery show without so many breaks and so this show won't figure on my list.Because when you browse through the other channels during the ads and get back to AMC you would have missed a couple of primary steps .Right?    
Modern Family is really good. P told me it was so when I got that channel on my wish (coff coff) dish list I watched and loved it.

Endiran: What the hell am I doing ???? Writing about  Thalaivar's movie after 3 hindi movies!!!!!! Offence huh?  Late-a vandhalum latestdhane? ( Even if its late its the latest)
Technically good. At Rajini's age I hope I could do one millionth of what he graphically can do! Ash is lovely but she's the over exposed beauty....have been seeing too much of her (Nah! not flesh wise) that she's lost the charm she had in 'Kandukondein Kandukondein'.
Rating:3/5

PS. I have been denying my body the usual 8 hrs of beauty sleep to do all of the above...and it shows. Maybe next week I'll take a break from the idiot box and get back Break Ke Baadh ;b

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

An Update

  • Amma finished her sabari mala trip and is back with a very bad flu. The trip went on well and she had a very good darshan.
  • While amma was away I had to 'manage' the house. Its not that easy when it includes managing 3 brats ( Acha, M and Achu) who don't have any intersections I could take advantage of. I didn't do very well but I 'managed' to live through...yes they did too.
  • Acha had his normal medical check up. The results are yet to come. Slightly worried with what the Doc is going to say. Prayers.
  • M left to Jaipur today. He should be back in two days.The roads seem smooth and we are making total use of the very little times we agree on things....watching movies,visiting malls, shopping, hunting for flats, test driving, planning holidays....Its been good for the 2 of us.
  • Achu actually loves it when am around.This guy doesn't show how much he misses me when am not there.I bunked office for a couple of days last week as amma was away and found out.  He takes these little breaks from play to come, search for me,hug me and kiss me...now how sweet is that. I love this fella. He is an absolute darling. Sometimes I just feel i need to stop working , stop his nanny and take over looking after him 100%.
  • Work front ..am being lazy. Not getting the drive to complete things. This is causing alot of problem. Will set things right by this weekend. I hope to. 

Ps. Life is slow. I like it that way. Hoping it remains the same cause I know how things can change in a sec.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Life ?

This is not a happy blog....2 days and I have heard of 3 souls who have departed

Sri Thulasi - He managed our family temple in Trivandrum  Thozhuvankode Sri Chamundi Devi Temple for more than 35 years. He is behind the temple's disciplined growth.He still will. Early yester morning he went to pray. He fell at the feet of Devi and passed away.

Suresh - He is an AC mechanic. A very hard worker and would come to office and home every now and then to assemble a new AC ,service the ones we have or to answer a complaint. Everytime we had a 'AC related anything' it would be " Suresh-e kupidhungo" ( Call Suresh ). Just met him 2 weeks back at office while he was servicing and had requested him to come home to fix an AC in Achu's room.Now whose going to do that! :(

M's Relative - I had met her in Trivandrum some 6 years back. Just once. A very warm person. She has left us too.

All so sudden ...too sudden
Some people you meet often ...some you don't
Some people work around you and for you...some don't
Its all the same lost feeling when they leave you
I hate this feeling

Ps. ...........I hate this feeling.:(

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Solitude Bandit

Being a single child
Isolation in life went wild
Slowly I evolved to love it
Today am a solitude bandit

To get that little time
I strive and whine
While its war at work
To-dos at home lurk

Company I surely need
But my space a bit more indeed
Loaded with overlapping tasks
I must adorn multiple masks

Lost am I in my own busy world
With people and thoughts distinctively blurred
Today loneliness is a myth
Meet me, the Solitude Bandit

PS. No this is not the poem I mentioned about in my last post . This one just popped out when a friend of mine wrote about wanting company....and I wrote "Here's my version of  not having ,then having and then wanting to not have any company. But I guess there needs to be a balance. While you need a 'with ppl' break I just need a 'without ppl' break :)  

Search Warrant

"Search and you will find
Something good in every kind"

Me penned down those lines a decade ago when a random id friend on chat asked me how I could be silent when slashed at and respond in a positive note over a sour incident ( oh don't even bother to ask ...what happens when you morph a hypersenstive ego boosted attention seeking id with a inteligent conversation?...a syn(c)tax error :)...it doesn't work plus you have a ammonia filled chatroom! ). It didn't mean much...much it got me thinking.

If you feel anything negative about a person always try to find the many/few things you like about him/her and loving the person will not be tuff anymore. It works. Try it.  

Its my turn today.

Acha: He is hard working, filled with love,doesn't care of what people talk about him, continues to do good to every person he can afford to help even if the person doesn't deserve it. His faith in God supreme. He is Mr.Postive.

Amma: Selfless *full stop*
M: This is tuff  :).He is a perfectionist. My personal gadget guru.Good companion for a road trip.Gives me my space.

FIL: He is straightforward, loving and genuine.
MIL: Her number one priority is family 
BIL: He is so good with kids. The best mama any kid can have.
CoS: Soft spoken
SIL: A person with presence of mind and inner strength
CoB: Calm and have never seen him 'show' his anger!!!

That felt so good :)

This blog will be too long if I have to type out all the postivity around me ( wow! isn't that wonderful )

Next time you try ...and tell me about it.

Ps. Actually I think I even wrote a poem when I realised these lines meant so much to me ..will search for it and put it up too. 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Light up and Lighten Up

The preparations for the festival of lights fills up every corner with excitement...

The Outside
- Clients come in with sweet boxes rather than the usual IT letters and everybody has the 'holiday' mood attitude at work
- every street has a cracker shop where you witness pre teen boys accompanied by their grandpas or pas scrambling through the colourful covers to find 'the' fireworks for the season both parties equally excited and teens loitering around and getting hold of the 'fancy and fierce works' to show off their skills at the community celebration
- its the season lighten your purse as well with offers innumerable...its the right time to get that LCD you wanted to watch Super singer on or the Smartphone you wanted to twitter on. Clothes in all textures and colours outline shops and eateries have never been so enticing with a kg of warm melting mysore pak free for a kg of anything else you get ..no there are no deductions allowed on the kgs you gain
- find in each house the sparks of joy ...the joy of being together as a family....from skillfully placing and lighting lamps in directions to fight the wind , gossiping around  a dish-in-progress in the kitchen about 'other' ppl not really found in the house at the moment, watching the latest block buster re-telecasted for the 18th time on TV to sending that super fueled multi coloured rocket higher than the neighbours flowerpot.

The Inside
-Its dark I know but justifications I hold
-Its the time to let go of all that the heart holds and remain happy
-to start a new something...there's something associated to me feeling the urge to start something on every festival day....Don't know what :)
- Hug the goodness in life....Hug it tight

Ps. Light up and lighten up.......the season is clear :)

Monday, November 1, 2010

How do I look ?

As a five year old.....
- Dressy ? Yes. Because my mom force-dressed me for every occasion with pinks,lace,frills and all that's girly.
- Did I look like a girl after all the effort? No.
- Who influenced me? My brothers. So I was generaly tagging along wherever my cousin brothers went and did. Be it walking in mud, climbing trees, finding tadpoles and earthworms, being dirt itself  I religiously followed. And amma used to tell me I even started looking ( what is the opposite of biologically evolved ?) like one of them

As a 10 year old...
- Enlightened yet? Not really but the first signs of womenhood did surface. I was keen on how I behaved. Yeah the girly giggles and social networks (on a class to class basis) did begin. But still I wasn't the girl you would imagine.
- Looks? Didn't matter still. Wasn't really consious of the way I looked - bugs bunny teeth et all!
- Influences....Friends, mother and my cousins

As a 15 year old...
- What the story? The girl child has arrived :)...and in her teens...So its shopping with Amma, gossiping with friends about boys, TV and movies, wishing for sleep overs that never happened and holidays with cousins.
- Looks in all dimensions mattered for I was short, fat, curly haired ( oh don't forget the frizz) and had my teeth caged..what more of a disaster do you need to destroy a gals teens???? 
- Influences : Movies, Friends, Acha ( only on the professional angle) and Amma

As a 20 year old..
- Was happy with myself  except for the extra kilos and the glasses ( which I barely wore ) and the curly hair and the......oh that's a never ending list ye know!
- Dressing mattered like never before to camoflouge the shortcomings and get that approval from friends...yeah only friends...Even if Amma said "Mole that's a shabby outfit" I would retort " But my friends loved it"
- Influences : Very much the same Friends, Movies, Amma and Acha.....in that order :)..Infact I guess this was the little worls I lived in

Now I leave the Age categorisation and shift to a walk through from where I left you to the present scenario...yeah another of those age related complexities I admit.

 I still had the unkept looks. I wondered how girls walked about 365 days of the year with shampooed ad-silky hair ,smooth hairless skin and a slim stature...sheshhhh! I was the opposite of all this and more.
Not that I didn't try to look cared for... its just that I couldn't get that look. I was never fresh except for the brief 1/2 hr when we had classes at 6.15 am and I had to plait my wet hair tight, dripping with H2O that remained until it naturally evaporated giving birth to frizzy split ends.

Professional upliftment and a job does so much to ones confidence level. It didn't do much to me. Firstly because my profession took me for a ride before I was bestowed with the qualification. So when I did finally acheive it ...it didn't really make a mark on my attitude ...good or bad I still don't know. And I was very much the dress up-only- for a special occasion.

Then I got married and had to satisfy the Indian tradition of 'looking married' for a while...for a very little while ...until all the pre wedding grooming lasted ..It was back to being the 'sloppy'self  again..which included
- Picking up the most reachable outfit out of the messy wardrobe
- To powder or not to powder depended on the secs left out of the 5 minutes allotted for dressing
- one pair of sandals and one bag however drab they are if they are working they work!
- The max time I spend is on choosing earrings....I love earrings in all shapes and sizes :)


Down the line motherhood became a reason for my ways....the weight gain was justified as well...so now you have a rolly polly ungroomed slop who haunted the house by walking around in oversized feeding nighties all day and night. The scene changed a bit after rejoining office but the shift was limited to the dress change from one XL to another....

And I barely had any influences either. The only thing that mattered is the TIME

Life today hasn't changed. ....I want to change but can't. I have orders,advice and requests to get the 'look'. But they all remain jus that
and I remain....jus that.

PS. Too long a blog huh!...jus to remind myself of one of the zillion things I need to work on.....:)